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3 Steps to Kinder Self-Improvement
Contents
Happy Tuesday!
In 2017, I started high school with the goal of graduating with only A+ grades.
No A grades allowed. At all.
Two justifications:
- "An impeccable record puts me at an advantage for university admissions and scholarships."
- "If I hold myself to very high standards, others won’t be as harsh on me."
At the end of my first semester, I opened my results to several A+ grades...
And one A. For a class about "communication skills".
I got angry—at myself, for falling short.
I also cycled through several other negative emotions:
"Maybe I could've/should've done that assignment better..." (regret)
"Did my chances of getting into my dream university decrease??" (doubt)
"What if they (universities/job interviewers) ask about this one A in future? Will they think that I don't have good communication skills?" (worry)
Why you should be kind to yourself
Beating yourself up steals your focus from the present.
If you get stuck in the past, you'll ruminate, wallow, and pity yourself.
If you get stuck in the future, you'll obsess, worry, and operate out of fear.
Over the years, I've gotten stuck in both.
To prevent another A grade, I became obsessed about how I could go "above and beyond" the assignment requirements.
When I was competing in web design and development, beating myself up made me fixate on my mistakes, instead of preparing for the next task.
Anxious, sleepless nights became the norm.
My capacity to perform crashed.
In other words... I was sabotaging myself. In numerous unconscious ways.
Getting stuck in the past or the future is not conducive for taking substantial, informed actions toward your goals.
3 Steps to Kinder Self-Improvement
1. Identify where the harshness came from (and let it go)
Who told you, "You could've done better"?
Who told you, "You're not good enough"?
Who are you trying to please? To prove yourself to?
Initially, my family members didn't support my choice of high school.
They felt that I would be a big fish in a small pond—limited in opportunities for growth.
They believed that I would be disadvantaged when it came to university applications.
I wanted to prove them wrong. And scoring impeccable grades seemed like a good way to do it.
(until my self-sabotage became too large to ignore.)
So:
- Find those sources of harshness.
- Cut them off. (If the source came from within, give yourself permission to let it go)
- Give yourself permission to be kind to yourself.
2. Identify where your standards came from (and adjust them)
"I could've done better"...
"I didn't do well enough"...
...for who's standards?
If you said "mine", I invite you to dig deeper:
What are you basing your standards on?
Is it based on fear?
Of being "too late in the game"?
Of "losing" or "missing" out?
(that is—familial, social, and societal expectations?)
Adjust your standards to be 1) useful and 2) yours.
In general, when your standards are useful, they bring you peace and pride. Not pain and pressure.
When your standards are yours, they're defined according to YOUR:
- Values and principles
- Life vision and goals
3. Identify areas for improvement like an objective reporter
You'll always have data about where you fall short.
Our harsh interpretation of that data creates our unnecessary suffering.
The good news? We have 100% control over our interpretation.
For me, the most useful interpretation is to have NO interpretation.
Thus, to avoid beating myself up during my performance reviews, I like to do objective reporting:
"Okay, I wanted things to go X, Y, Z."
"However, something went wrong at part Q."
"It went wrong because I did actions A, B, C."
Then, I'll bring in my solution-oriented self:
"To prevent this from happening again, I will do actions R, S, T."
So there you have it—the 3 steps to have kind(er) personal performance reviews:
- Identify where the harshness came from (and let it go)
- Identify where your standards came from (and adjust them)
- Identify areas for improvement like an objective reporter
On a final note:
Unlearning the harshness slapped upon you will take time.
Remember to be kind and patient with your progress :)