Happy Tuesday!

As my summer vacation comes to an end, people often ask:

"Did your summer live up to your expectations?"

And I'd reply honestly:

"...I didn't have any expectations"

At this point, I'd get two types of reactions:

The Nod of Approval: "If you don't have expectations, you won't be disappointed."
The Look of Confusion: "Didn't you set a few goals for the summer?"

Both camps are not wholly right or wrong.

Expectations are necessary for our lives to function, but they need to be used correctly.

Today, I'll be delving into:

What is an "expectation"?
What are expectations essential for?
When do expectations become harmful?
How can we nurture useful expectations?

What is an "expectation"?

When you expect something, you strongly believe that it will happen.

However, for most people, expecting something also means believing that it should happen.

Meanwhile, a "goal" is an aim or desired result.

Thus, you can set goals and believe that they can and will happen.

At the same time, you can choose not to believe that they should happen.

The lack of a "should" was what I meant when I said I didn't have expectations for the summer.

Expectations are essential for...

🪢 Cultural and Societal Norms

Expectations bring predictability and structure to society.

In some countries, you can expect an event that starts at 6pm to start punctually at 6pm.

In others, the guests usually arrive at 7.30pm, so the event actually starts at 8pm.

Knowing the expectations bundled with a cultural norm can help you minimize:

Interpersonal conflicts arising from cultural differences
Logistical and planning hiccups, especially for an event
A lot of personal frustration

💕 Healthy Relationships

Expectations are the bedrock of relationship boundaries and standards.

When these expectations are 1) shared, and 2) respected, you form healthy relationships where:

you feel safe around people
you don't have to second-guess yourself, the other person, or the relationship

For example, you might expect your friends to speak well of you behind your back.

How would you feel when you find out that they've been mocking you in front of others the whole time?

🤩 Optimism Towards The Future

"We're expecting a child!"
— Excited parents-to-be

After you've booked your next vacation, how do you usually feel?

You'd expect your flight and hotel bookings to materialize as planned.
So: You'll find yourself looking forward to the vacation.

Expectations amplify your anticipation and excitement for a future event.

Expectations become harmful when...

...we're super rigid on how things "should" unfold, so much that we

Become close-minded to available opportunities
Miss the lessons we're meant to learn

Becoming close-minded to available opportunities

Some people might envision their ideal partners to be tall and muscular.

(They're also very insistent on these qualities.)

They might find a seemingly compatible person through a dating app:

Easy to chat with
Looks tall and muscular
Compatible sense of humor
Aligned values and life direction

And, because of the perceived compatibility, they decide to meet in real life.

But the match isn't as tall as they expected.

Disappointment ensues.

Missing the lessons we're meant to learn

I was very resentful toward my period when I stained my bedsheets for the first time.

Yes, I had been feeling fatigued for the past week...

...but it was still early in the menstrual cycle, so I wasn't expecting it to arrive.

Let alone arrive in the middle of the night, while I was asleep.

My grandmother, however, was more solution-oriented.

"Your period is a natural process," she pointed out. "We'll just wash your pants and the bedsheet."

She also gave me a towel to place beneath my butt and catch any leaks.

If I'd insisted that my period "should" start:

at a convenient time
on the expected day of my cycle

instead of accepting that accidents do happen, I would've been less receptive to learning how to deal with period leaks.

How to nurture useful expectations

The problem doesn't lie in what expectations we set, but rather how we respond to the unexpected.

To solve this problem, some people like to anticipate and plan for every possible outcome.

(They argue that AI can do this.)

But being aware of every possibility also takes away your attention and focus from the present.

⚓️ A more flexible approach: Creating guiding principles

Once clarified, you can use these guiding principles to craft flexible responses to unexpected situations.

Here are some of mine:

Don't fixate on mistakes; Look for possibilities and areas for improvement.
Acknowledge my emotional responses instead of suppressing them.
Have compassion—for myself and others.

For example: I expect my romantic partner to be faithful.

If they cheat, I would:

Take time to acknowledge and let go of any anger/disappointment I have (principle #2)
Decide if my expectation should be maintained or adjusted

I'll most likely maintain my expectations, so I'll apply principle #3 when deciding what to do with the relationship.

In this sense, my guiding principles help shift my response from the default

"My partner should've been faithful! This ungrateful @!#$*"

to a more productive

"@!#$*! My partner cheated! Am I okay with that? What is the best possible outcome, and what can I do to achieve it?"

For expectations within a team...

Useful expectations among two or more people are shared and explicit.

All voices should be heard when setting expectations.
Every team member should agree to the expectations being set.

Otherwise, the team member who silently disagrees will feel dismissed, which can easily create tension and conflict later.

Making Expectations Explicit

Implicit expectations breed tension and misunderstandings.

You'll be walking on eggshells all the time, thinking things like:

"Should I give feedback on his work, or will he take it as a personal attack?"

"Why is my boss texting me on a Saturday? Should I be working on the weekends?"

To make expectations explicit:

Describe the expectations in a shared document so that everyone can refer to it whenever needed
Make your descriptions as specific (and measurable, where applicable) as possible
Ensure that everyone understands the descriptions

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